The empty road stretched on forever in front of me. Alone on it, I felt good. No obstacles, no hindrances – a perfect antidote to the poison building up in me. I had to vent it all out; I had to release myself from the prison of guilt I felt.
I like the feeling of my foot on the accelerator. Hard and firm; the corners of my mouth twitched upwards as the needle on the speedometer zoomed towards 200kmph.
My mind, however, was still in a mess. Contrition was never absent in my everyday life. Regret washed over me. Ashamed of myself, I was.
I should not have gotten myself into this mess; never should I have hitched her along in my trip on the highway to hell.
I was driving all around with no specific destination in mind. The images in my mind showed only of the girl whose life I had destructed in a moment of folly. The high speed escapade was soothing; unfortunately, it wasn’t enough for me to get further than the range of my conscience’s nagging.
Funnily I had the sudden urge to revisit the place it all happened the very first time. The very first time I saw the symmetry of the universe. I never knew if the universe revolved around the earth or around the sun. But finally it’s plain.
It was the girl with a dazzling smile that held me then. She was the center of my universe.
Racing uphill, the avalanche of memories continued its cascade. I shook my head, hard, and asked myself that simple question, do I love her?’ Indeed, we were happy together. We could make the sun shine and the rain fall.
I would want to spend the rest of my life with her.
It has been a mere three months since I last saw her; Ireland has definitely separated us. Though did I even take a look of lust at any other? Nope, never came across my mind. I missed her dearly.
Slowly, I parked at the tip where the whole of Kuala Lumpur was at the tip of my feet. This was my comfort zone, where she and I once called home. I stepped down from the car with reasonable deliberation, unsure of what I was going to see.
Had the commencement of the developing projects made this place unrecognizable? No, it stayed the same, as if waiting for my return. Even the girl sitting on the bench looked familiar.
Hold on, that was the shirt she loved the most. The Liverpool jersey with my name etched on it was a part of our first month anniversary as a couple. I looked down and realized I was wearing the jersey with her name on it.
My eyes widened in shock and my heart skipped a beat. Could it be? I have been looking for her since my return, and here she was, right in front of me.
I walked towards her, moving each leg with considerable difficulty. It took every single ounce of concentration for me not to fall to the temptation of running forward and hug her; for the fear of mistaking a look-alike girl for her.
A few feet away from her, I was absolutely sure. My dear XXXX. Her left hand reached for the right arm, just like every other time when she couldn’t believe what she saw.
Her eyes, the soft chocolate brown, never for once even left mine. Hungrily, they bore into mine without blinking, just like every other time. My breath staggered; they reminded me of every touch, every kiss.
My lungs felt like they were going to burst. I opened my mouth, wanting to tell her about everything I missed about her but, sanity left me before I could do anything else. My lips parted, but it wasn’t a crooning that left them.
‘What are you doing here?’ I whispered.
She froze. Her expression hardened. For so long I had been dreaming, missing, thinking of this sweet face, but now etched onto her features was pure hatred.
So little time had passed but so much had changed. This time, her favourite perfume and this intense gaze made me tremble. Before I could unlock my petrified muscles to hug her, to bring her closer to me, she answered indifferently, ‘making a decision.’
I bit my lip in confusion. I had never understood the complex mystery of a woman’s brain. What could it be that was bothering her? Was I still in her heart, the way she never left mine? I could not decide; I could never know.
Our gazes were locked firmly together. A deep breath I took and I left my mind to the control of insanity. I had long given parts of myself up to commands of insanity, yet it was now that I finally saw fit to embrace its might.
‘Let me decide for you.’
I took hold of the railings and put my hand on your back. ‘I love you,’ said I.
As the good old times stirred at the back of my mind, I was glad finally we would be doing something together. A final push, that was it, and you fell off the cliff with the grace of a ballerina.
Right before my eyes, you fell off the cliff and my hands were the cause of it. I did not cry, I did not howl. Finally fate brought us together again, and this is the only way to make sure we take the next step together.
‘Babe, I’m coming with you. You wouldn’t be alone any longer.’
As my last words left my lips, I took two quick steps backward, and launched myself forward, hard. My eyes were closed tight and the wind stung my face viciously. My heart beat loyally as it galloped towards the last beat; determining to fulfill a lifetime’s beat before the end.
I felt not fear, but joy.
“THUMP”
That was the last thing I heard.
This story is produced through a collaboration with a friend. Written from the boy's perspective, maybe it would be inadequate to fully understand how complicated their relationship was. To know more about their sad story, please click here <---
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